Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2022-11-18 06:53:31
- Update Date：2025-09-07
- Status：finish
- Author：Daniel Shapiro
- ISBN：0143110179
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Summary
"One of the most important books of our modern era"
-Amb。 Jaime de Bourbon
For anyone struggling with conflict， this book can transform you。 Negotiating the Nonnegotiable takes you on a journey into the heart and soul of conflict， providing unique insight into the emotional undercurrents that too often sweep us out to sea。 With vivid stories of his closed-door sessions with warring political groups， disputing businesspeople， and families in crisis， Daniel Shapiro presents a universally applicable method to successfully navigate conflict。 A deep， provocative book to reflect on and wrestle with， this book can change your life。
Be warned This book is not a quick fix。 Real change takes work。 You will learn how to master five emotional dynamics that can sabotage conflict outside your awareness:
1。 Vertigo How can you avoid getting emotionally consumed in conflict？
2。 Repetition compulsion How can you stop repeating the same conflicts again and again？
3。 Taboos How can you discuss sensitive issues at the heart of the conflict？
4。 Assault on the sacred What should you do if your values feel threatened？
5。 Identity politics What can you do if others use politics against you？
In our era of discontent， this is just the book we need to resolve conflict in our own lives and in the world around us。
For anyone struggling with conflict， this book can transform you。 Negotiating the Nonnegotiable takes you on a journey into the heart and soul of conflict， providing unique insight into the emotional undercurrents that too often sweep us out to sea。 With vivid stories of his closed-door sessions with warring political groups， disputing businesspeople， and families in crisis， Daniel Shapiro presents a universally applicable method to successfully navigate conflict。 A deep， provocative book to reflect on and wrestle with， this book can change your life。
Be warned This book is not a quick fix。 Real change takes work。 You will learn how to master five emotional dynamics that can sabotage conflict outside your awareness:
1。 Vertigo How can you avoid getting emotionally consumed in conflict？
2。 Repetition compulsion How can you stop repeating the same conflicts again and again？
3。 Taboos How can you discuss sensitive issues at the heart of the conflict？
4。 Assault on the sacred What should you do if your values feel threatened？
5。 Identity politics What can you do if others use politics against you？
In our era of discontent， this is just the book we need to resolve conflict in our own lives and in the world around us。
Reviews
Samantha Cretens
，
I had to read this for a class。 Initially I was intrigued with the book。 The author takes typical scenarios exhibited in an argument and puts his own terms to them。 About a quarter through the way through the book I realized that the concepts discussed were incredibly rudimentary and the author padded page upon page with so much useless fluff。 The concepts discussed are interesting enough， and I would recommend this for an arguing couple early in their relationship （or perhaps an incredibly hard I had to read this for a class。 Initially I was intrigued with the book。 The author takes typical scenarios exhibited in an argument and puts his own terms to them。 About a quarter through the way through the book I realized that the concepts discussed were incredibly rudimentary and the author padded page upon page with so much useless fluff。 The concepts discussed are interesting enough， and I would recommend this for an arguing couple early in their relationship （or perhaps an incredibly hard headed individual）。 The author takes multiple chapters to discuss how we can easily lose track of time and rational feelings in the heat of an argument。 Which。。。。。。。。yeah？ The embellished vocabulary leads you to believe that the author is saying something compelling when it is actually the most basic concept。 。。。more
Ligia Bonetti
，
It is a very optimistic and realistic book。 It conveys personal， political and social dilemas， conflicts and ideals which are discussed daily and are part of everyone’s life。 Remembering something as simple as the fact that emotions are the number one driver for conflicts and of separation amongst humankind is the authors main point。 To identify who we are， what we want and how we can harmonize it with others is the key to avoiding “charged” emotions and controlling our inner feelings hence bein It is a very optimistic and realistic book。 It conveys personal， political and social dilemas， conflicts and ideals which are discussed daily and are part of everyone’s life。 Remembering something as simple as the fact that emotions are the number one driver for conflicts and of separation amongst humankind is the authors main point。 To identify who we are， what we want and how we can harmonize it with others is the key to avoiding “charged” emotions and controlling our inner feelings hence being able to negotiate and agree on many important issues without hurt or sacrifices。 Looking thru the eyes of others and putting your own views aside， will be the first start or step toward being able to find solutions to situations avoiding “charged” conflicts。 Good Read。 。。。more
Nishant Saurabh
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Good conflict resolution models， examples， needs a professional to follow them though。
glass。curtain
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Interesting。Unfortunately， it doesn't tell you exactly how to fix situations where debating over impossible solutions arise， but it does give you some ideas how you can approach them and points out aspects which one usually doesn't take into account。 Like how values and identity come into play when debating over other otherwise tangible issues。I've been listening to it to and from work， and it did open up my mind to certain conflicts and my approaches。 So， yeah， if you've got some time， give it Interesting。Unfortunately， it doesn't tell you exactly how to fix situations where debating over impossible solutions arise， but it does give you some ideas how you can approach them and points out aspects which one usually doesn't take into account。 Like how values and identity come into play when debating over other otherwise tangible issues。I've been listening to it to and from work， and it did open up my mind to certain conflicts and my approaches。 So， yeah， if you've got some time， give it a go。 。。。more
cab
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“when the planet’s very survival is at stake， concerns over exclusion should not be such a significant matter” *long sigh* Trawling the minefield of self-improvement books once again。 Shapiro’s credentials （no relation to Ben Shapiro， although he did write a book on anti-welfare） are that he hosts workshops for world leaders and corporate heads （two groups famously known for being extremely in touch with on-the-ground stuff， and for being consultative and making bottom-up decisions）。 If you belo “when the planet’s very survival is at stake， concerns over exclusion should not be such a significant matter” *long sigh* Trawling the minefield of self-improvement books once again。 Shapiro’s credentials （no relation to Ben Shapiro， although he did write a book on anti-welfare） are that he hosts workshops for world leaders and corporate heads （two groups famously known for being extremely in touch with on-the-ground stuff， and for being consultative and making bottom-up decisions）。 If you belong to those two groups， this is the book for you。Has some insights on vertigo and the repetition compulsion， but otherwise just a bore of top-down nonsense。 If anyone has a good conflict resolution and de-escalation book， please recommend it to me。 I’m still trying to chase the high of reading Sarah Schulman’s Conflict is not Abuse and Dean Spade’s Mutual Aid。 。。。more
Terry Cheung
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All conflicts are related to your identity！
Al Zaquan
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Tediously overwritten。
Felipe
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Negociador con teorías muy actualizada se mete en lo moral y como solucionar conflictos aparentemente sin salida
Mike
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Full of useful techniques to change the way that you approach disagreements。 Rather than focusing on "winning"， this book helps you focus on "resolving" conflicts， which is a substantially different thing。 I'll never think about disagreements in the same way and I legitimately think that this book has made me a better person。 Full of useful techniques to change the way that you approach disagreements。 Rather than focusing on "winning"， this book helps you focus on "resolving" conflicts， which is a substantially different thing。 I'll never think about disagreements in the same way and I legitimately think that this book has made me a better person。 。。。more
Julio Bressan
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Livro muito bom para o entendimento de negociação e a sua ligação com a resolução de conflitos。 O autor transmite muito bem as adversidades que podem ser observadas e traz exemplos da vida real， alguns mais cotidianos como uma discussão entre um casal， e outros mais específicos， como negociações de paz entre países diferentes。"No momento em que nos sentimos ameaçados por quem somos ou pelo que defendemos， um conjunto de forças emocionais invade e nos atrai para o conflito。 Ficamos presos a uma m Livro muito bom para o entendimento de negociação e a sua ligação com a resolução de conflitos。 O autor transmite muito bem as adversidades que podem ser observadas e traz exemplos da vida real， alguns mais cotidianos como uma discussão entre um casal， e outros mais específicos， como negociações de paz entre países diferentes。"No momento em que nos sentimos ameaçados por quem somos ou pelo que defendemos， um conjunto de forças emocionais invade e nos atrai para o conflito。 Ficamos presos a uma mentalidade antagônica。" 。。。more
Kate
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Super approachable information。 The chapter on identity politics was particularly helpful frame。
John Carey
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Great thoughts， although （predictably） sometimes corporate presentation。 Ideas fit right in with other big ideas I respect: Thinking Fast and Slow， Coddling of the American Mind， CBT therapy and The War on Normal People。 General big picture is presenting some strategies to be more empathic and avoid common pitfalls that make others revert to tribal mindsets。 Basically trying to avoid the "thinking fast" mode in the other side as well as in yourself。Ultimately spot on in describing an emotional c Great thoughts， although （predictably） sometimes corporate presentation。 Ideas fit right in with other big ideas I respect: Thinking Fast and Slow， Coddling of the American Mind， CBT therapy and The War on Normal People。 General big picture is presenting some strategies to be more empathic and avoid common pitfalls that make others revert to tribal mindsets。 Basically trying to avoid the "thinking fast" mode in the other side as well as in yourself。Ultimately spot on in describing an emotional conflict I've been witnessing but not directly a part of。 It brought me some comfort in my understanding of what I've been seeing。 Also will change how I see future emotional conflicts。Personal Notes:- People's outlook is a combination of their rationality， emotional state and identity- Emotions are signal of unmet psychological needs， similar to hunger for physical needs- Emotionally charged conflicts contain threats to people's identity- Space between identity and emotions is important， like gravity between stars- Conflict is never immutable， need to challenge current "rules" and expand definitions of identity to resolve- Fixed identity illusion leads to deadlock/win-lose situations-Dialectics or how ideas form。 Idea of dialectics grows over time。 Greek guy says ideas are defined by their opposite。 Kant says all ideas have a thesis， an antithesis and a synthesis。 Hegel says all ideas have abstract， negative and concrete stages。-Largely negotiation is about one of the three dialectics （combination of opposing ideas）1） acceptance vs change2） redemption vs revenge3） autonomy vs affiliationEnding Essential Principles-Reconciliation is a choice。 Cannot be forced。-Become a "possibilitarian" to affect change-Small changes can make big differences （non-linear dynamics）-Fundamental problem of reconciliation is a personal problem， not an inter-personal problem-No quick fixes-Have strategies that address identities and emotions to back up rational negotiation strategies 。。。more
Anne Doud
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My copy of this book is filled with underlines and post its with applications to my life。 Hugely helpful。
Lu Schaefer
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I agree with some of you here。 No need to read the entire book to get what it's all about。 It's a good book， full of insights。 The experiments （like the Tribe） the author describes are useful and easy to remember every time we see ourselves watching or involved in a conflict。 I agree with some of you here。 No need to read the entire book to get what it's all about。 It's a good book， full of insights。 The experiments （like the Tribe） the author describes are useful and easy to remember every time we see ourselves watching or involved in a conflict。 。。。more
Savannah Hinde
，
Easily a favorite。
M
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I only read 20% of the book because I was hoping it would help with my daily professional career。 However this is more tailored to people who truly have emotionally charged conflicts， ones that challenge identity。 The concept sounds interesting but for me it's just not practical。 Looking at the rest of the table of contents it seemed like the remainder of the book would be rather long and drawn out。 I only read 20% of the book because I was hoping it would help with my daily professional career。 However this is more tailored to people who truly have emotionally charged conflicts， ones that challenge identity。 The concept sounds interesting but for me it's just not practical。 Looking at the rest of the table of contents it seemed like the remainder of the book would be rather long and drawn out。 。。。more
Antonio Stark
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One of the most beneficial non-fiction books I have ever read。 This isn't a light-hearted attempt to settle business deals or better persuade your boss for a raise。 The author， with his years of experience of defusing tensions at battlefields and political minefields， show us how emotions of identity， tribalism， and vertigo underline everything from relationship disputes to wars。 One of the most beneficial non-fiction books I have ever read。 This isn't a light-hearted attempt to settle business deals or better persuade your boss for a raise。 The author， with his years of experience of defusing tensions at battlefields and political minefields， show us how emotions of identity， tribalism， and vertigo underline everything from relationship disputes to wars。 。。。more
Shawn
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Not my favorite style of writing but by the end I felt that there were valuable concepts。
Rob
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The Science of Conflict explained by science we can relate toYou might want to take notes on this one。 There are a LOT of scientific principles you're going to need to keep track of to get through this book。 Definitely worth the time though。 Just about every psychological concept explained here， I was able to think of examples from my own life， thus feeling like they work both anecdotally and scientifically。A fun and fascinating read。 Glad my friends recommended it！ The Science of Conflict explained by science we can relate toYou might want to take notes on this one。 There are a LOT of scientific principles you're going to need to keep track of to get through this book。 Definitely worth the time though。 Just about every psychological concept explained here， I was able to think of examples from my own life， thus feeling like they work both anecdotally and scientifically。A fun and fascinating read。 Glad my friends recommended it！ 。。。more
Liz Mc2
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I skimmed a lot of this because Iike most advice/self-help books it felt padded to me。 We need an industry for publishing 50-page pamphlets on this stuff。 Also why do so many of the terms authors of these books coin feel like they should come with portentous capitals and a trademark symbol？ However， some of the advice was really helpful in giving me perspective and some strategies for a personal issue so star rating is for that。 （And there were substantial notes and bibliography so it doesn’t se I skimmed a lot of this because Iike most advice/self-help books it felt padded to me。 We need an industry for publishing 50-page pamphlets on this stuff。 Also why do so many of the terms authors of these books coin feel like they should come with portentous capitals and a trademark symbol？ However， some of the advice was really helpful in giving me perspective and some strategies for a personal issue so star rating is for that。 （And there were substantial notes and bibliography so it doesn’t seem like snake oil advice）。 。。。more
Rob Wotherspoon
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Another very valuable contribution from Daniel Shapiro to the field of conflict resolution and negotiation; provides practical ideas and frameworks for addressing the most seemingly intractable aspects of conflicts: values， identity and emotion。 Strongly recommended！
Jeff Hexter
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There is a huge amount to unpack in this book。 It has some really fascinating examples of negotiation failures， near-failures， and successes that show how and why the principles suggested here work when applied。But there is SO much to to learn from this。 I want to re-read it with the intent to apply the ideas not just to negotiating but to relationship strengthening as well。 And networking。
Alyssa
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Three interrelated components of conflict: emotions rationality and identity
Roberto Fernando Fernando Salmon
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A must read book。 Everyone should read this book to know how and what happens to us in an argument/conflict。
Gordon Kwok
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This is the kind of book that should be assigned in college or high school because it teaches or well attempts to teach principles on conflict resolution。 If we want a world that is less divisive and combative， then starting early is probably a good idea。 Some parts of the book were a little dry but overall， I benefited from reading this book。
Cynthia Van
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Dry， unhelpful， couldn’t finish。
Manoj Joshi
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The book has original thoughts but in the context of International operations leaving Asian context and situations。 It has some deep thinking passages and I would recommend to CEO's engaged in negotiations The book has original thoughts but in the context of International operations leaving Asian context and situations。 It has some deep thinking passages and I would recommend to CEO's engaged in negotiations 。。。more
Abid עבד
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I have learned about identity and it explains aloy about our current conflicts。
Adri Nurellari
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This is a great manual to help understand and solve even the most complicated conflicts。 Extremely useful not only for dealing with political conflicts but also for conflictual situations that we might encounter in our everyday life。
Bruce Samuelsen
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